Marco Love-O | Old Spice
- Published on: 2/11/2018
- Who are these lovely strangers? Are they in love? Why are they searching the halls of this immaculate palace for each other and shouting “Old” and “Spice” in a complex game of cat and mouse and deodorant sales? Let me explain...She was too beautiful to be named, we’ll call her Princess Beautiful. He was a handsome rogue, born into wealth and raised in romance, for the sake of this story we will call him Pizza Boy. Why? You’ll find out later. They met under a silver moon on the banks of a French canal, the specifics are unnecessary. The only specific you must know is that love was there to greet them.It was as if Providence or a finely written poem had willed them to meet on the banks of that canal that night. She took his hand in hers. Was love written in their stars? If stars were good at telling matchless love stories for the ages that also served to sell Old Spice products, then yeah, maybe it was written in their stars. Only the stars could tell for sure, and they were beingpeculiarly quiet that night.It was all quiet. The crystal upon the surface of the canal. The nocturnal birds. Even the Natterjack toads indigenous to these European climes and prone to loud bouts of unromantic noises could not be heard. And it was this silence that tipped Pizza Boy off. Were they alone? Was this solitary moment within the arms of his true love truly solitary? Was there a peeping tom peeping into the romantic miracle stretched out before the feet of the cupids that looked down upon peeping in all its many peeping forms?Pizza Boy hesitated. Princess Beautiful was sorrowed. She knew that face. She had seen it before. The face of a handsome man that suspected the quiet of the moment was not romance driven, but the result of a peeper. Many times before it was just a false alarm. Sometimes it turned out to just be a hobo eating some beans. And other times it was a goblin or something, it was hard for her to tell those times because she had just left a bright room and her eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dark yet. But this time was not like those times. This time she too felt a presence. And that presence was maybe sinister possibly; it was her best guess but she couldn’t be sure. “Come out if you are there at all!” Yelled Pizza Boy. It is for this reason that we name him Pizza Boy, because you can’t hear it in written word, and it is kind of hard to explain, but if you heard this man’s you would notice that it sounded incredibly like what a meat lover’s pizza might sound like if it talked. For that reason, we have given him the name of Pizza Boy in this story. Like was said earlier, it was not his real name and it is only being used out of convenience and to describe how his voice sounds.“Come out if you are there at all!” He yelled with hismeat lover’s pizza voice.There was no response from the solitary woods that surrounded the painfully romantic scene. The silence filled the couple with confidence, then with skepticism, then with an undying love for each other, then with a clear understanding of their responsibilities as lovers, then with a determination to save every penny so that their child Papakor (boy or girl, they did not know) could attend a fine university without any financial implications. They just wanted the best for little Papakor; Lil’ Pappy for short.“BREAK!” a twig broke in the distant wood and the amorous couple we ripped from their future ponderings. Surely that could not have been a twigging snapping on its own accord. This must have been the work of a foot or a hand or something touching the ground like a walking stick or umbrella being used as a cane. It had to be one of those things and surely not just a twig snapping on its own like was said before.“Who makes the French kisses upon the banks of my canal?” In abject embarrassment, the couple turned to face the voice behind them. There, standing amongst the thorns of a prickly bush stood a goblin. Princess Beautiful rubbed her eyes, surely she had left the party long enough ago to have had he eyes adjusted properly to the shadows of the night. And once her hands were removed sure enough her eyes had been playing tricks on her, it was not a goblin before her after all: it was a she goblin, obviously.Pizza Boy positioned himself between the she goblin and the woman he loved with all his heart even though he had just met her that night. “We do. And we are in love.” The man spoke with a confidence only before observed in nature shows. The she goblin was unfazed.“I hate love. And because you are in love and like it, I feel I must punish you.” With that the she goblin removed a jewel from her marsupial pouch that all she goblins use to store things in and began to wave it in the air. “With this jewel I trap you in your endless love. To search the halls of a mansion palace and only speak the name of the fine deodorant that made you who you are.”Princess Beautiful was startled. “But I didn’t wear deodorant today.”“Not you. Him!”“Oh”.
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